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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Anecdote for D.D. All Pages

I have many first memories that I can remember. I can't explain how I come to remember them. I have been told I have photographic memory and that it isn't possible to remember things when you're a young child. But I beg to differ. I seem to remember most details that people generally can't recall from years back. Memories come to me like they have happened yesterday. How everything looked, what the people were doing, what exactly the words they said to me, how I was feeling at that present moment. Just even the minutest details. The one that calls out to me the most is being on a table. I felt helpless. There was a light above me a very bright light that made it difficult to distinguish what was going on. It's almost as if I was out of it but I was conscious of my surroundings. I can hear everything and I felt weird these weird feelings that not even a child should be fathoming at such a young age. I felt penetration. I don’t know how else to describe it. I remember trying to look around I could make out a green tiled wall and male voices speaking in the background mumbling because I couldn't make out what they said or I just don't remember it but its something. It also felt very cold. Like how you touch steel metal and its cold touches against your skin. I felt that along my back. It was a very cold feeling. I think I was lying on a metal table. I have no idea what is happening to me. I just know it felt like a dream. Moments later I came out of this dream. 

      These memories I tried to piece them together in chronological order as much as possible.

   My older sister and her friend were holding my younger sister and me in the kiddie pool. We were infants at the time. They were jumping up and down in the water while holding us. I remember swallowing and breathing in water and I could hear my mother realizing what was going on and I could see her reaction before having another blackout. After this I was in California, in a house. There was a black haired teenager inviting me into his room. And I blacked out again. And I come to once more. I made a friend we were on the swings and she kept talking to me. And telling me I wouldn't understand anything she was saying and felt she was talking to herself but that I was nice enough to sit there and listen to her talk. She said her name was Mary-Kate. I was outside for a very longtime because it was dark and my mother was looking for me. Another day came and we were at these apartments and we went to the pool my sisters and I. My younger sister was still learning how to swim. There were these very young boys running around the pool and my sister standing on the edge of the pool and one of the little boys knocked her over and she was drowning and I remember seeing her eyelids open and close on their own from the water. Then there was this party. Any type of reunions where I seen people gathered I use to enjoy being at a lot. It was actually after an earthquake and people were helping each other. It must've been a bad enough that everyone got together made sure we were ok. I had also seen my mother chase a thief down the road who stole our milk jars right after they were delivered and she was very angry from the look on her face.

    We then moved to Washington. I do recall when people were outside staring at the volcano they could see smoke coming out of it. I remember being able to see Mount St. Helen from the bay window. This house I was living in it was very cold. It was cold and was not able to sleep. I could see the volcano from a very far distance but you could make out what it was. I don't know exactly which town we lived in but it was near the volcano. In the living room you could see it was dark outside presumably nighttime as I was being tucked into bed. This particular memory of being in Washington is my very first paranormal experience in my life. As my mother tucked me into bed she went next door. She turned off the lights and there I was alone. This room felt big enough that it should've been a living room considering the size of the window. But its been converted into a bedroom seeing as I was going to sleep there. I had seen myself as being very young at least 1 or 2 years old. The bed I had slept on was a queen size mattress. I felt so frightened at the time because I was sleeping by myself on it. I didn't feel secure especially with the big open window next to the bed and the moonlight was shining in. I could see the night getting darker as it came. Then after a while it got quiet next door. My parents have progressed into their slumber. I then began to hear a wailing sound, it was a woman shrieking. She was at the wooden fence at the end of the yard. I could see her peering over the fence looking at me and noticing that I noticed her. Her wailing became louder since she noticed me staring in horror. I didn't know what to do. She then went through the fence and that terrified me even more. I couldn't understand how she walked through the fence. She was pale, white and transparent. I could see the fence behind her. She seemed like she was floating towards my window and her wailing became louder. I started to cry out loud and I heard my mother speak to my father in Spanish. She had told him that I was simply teething. My mother then got up and creaks open the door to tell me to quiet down. I was hiding underneath the blankets by that time. Afterwards she just went back to bed.

     It was a very eventful night for me. I couldn't understand how she physically went through the fence and how also she was floating across the yard towards the window not walking. It didn't make sense to me at all. But her face it was awful to look at. She seemed just as afraid as I was of her. If anything it was a look of pain and sadness to be exact. 

    I skip right to living in Kansas. Its where I learned to ride a bike and knew of my love for cats. I love dogs too but for some reason I love cats more. I befriended a pixie bob named Alvar. He always followed me home from school and loved being at our house and playing with me. He was half bobcat and half house cat. This is what he looked like:

   I first moved to Elkhart, Kansas living on my grandpa's farm. It was quite an oddity. There were wheat fields everywhere and they seemed to go on for millions of miles it seemed like to no end. And every day I went outside to play and frolic around enjoying the nature of Kansas. There isn't much to enjoy if you don't appreciate the finer things in life.

  Especially if you live on the west side of Kansas and the agricultural side of it is very dominant. There are many fields growing various crops and dairy feeders with cow and pig farms. You might drive by windmill fields occasionally. But living on this farm I remember few memories here. I definitely remember finding a rattlesnake and my grandpa and father killing it.

  One morning I found a garden snake and then played in the warehouse where my grandpa kept his farming equipment. He never wanted me in there. I would get into a storage trailer quite often and being told not to get into it. Then there were those giant aluminum tubs made for cows to drink from and swam in it a couple of summers.

While I lived there was when I began attending preschool. The kids there didn't take much to liking me. I felt stupid and was treated as such. A very privileged girl had shown me how to write a two in this cake pan of sand made as a teaching aid. Then it was show-and-tell day and we were supposed to bring games to play with.

  There was this particular boy who for some reason despised me. That boy’s name, his last name Diaz. He didn't want to share his operations game with me. He was afraid I was going to lose pieces of it. One day the teacher made these tunnels made of cardboard boxes duct taped together and it came to a point she had to throw it away because everyone wanted to play in it every day instead of learning or playing on the playground.

I didn't live at my grandpa's house the entire time. There was this trailer out in the middle of nowhere. I never saw houses close to the trailer. It was a strange place we didn't live there for long I seldom remember much happening there. Just very negative memories that are probably a bit too much to write about. I do remember one Christmas morning. And it was on this day I couldn't forget the song that played on my mother's oriental music box he gifted her.

The original music box looks exactly like the one above. It has a secret compartment below the dancing ballerina. I found out after so many years until last year that the song is the Godfather Love Theme song. It is very interesting to hear it played in a music box but it is definitely a tune I never forgotten. One time I was playing outside in the backyard. My father was excited he had his chickens from Mexico there and that's when he had a half wolf dog in the yard also. It was my fault when one day I let the chickens out and the wolf killed all his chickens. He was very upset with me. I was in the bathroom when they took me to the backdoor and was yelling at me and saying, “look at what you've done”. As the half wolf dog was killing his chickens. I let the chickens out because the dog was hungry. I didn't know any better and how prized and special those chickens were. I paid dearly for that mistake. It has come to my understanding that some things are better left unsaid.

  Eventually, we moved to Ulysses, Kansas. Where I grew up for most of my childhood. I didn't really like living here too much. There wasn't much to do and everything else was a good drive away to get to any decent stores. The people knew your business very quickly it didn't take very long for everyone to know what was going on.

  The history was very nice at first a very long time ago it was a great place. There were many jobs offered and many businesses open like the mom and pop type businesses. It was nice to meet one of the very few people that have lived there since Ulysses was made and their family lived there for generations. It is not what it once was.

Many families of have moved away because their children have graduated high school are in college and have started their own families. It has been on the news once about the Hispanic culture being very dominant there. When I first lived there we lived in town near the elementary school. I liked my primary teacher very much because she was very understanding of my situation and my educational setbacks and took her time with me and taught me quite a bit.

  The neighbors down the street we became good friends. He was in my grade and taught me how to ride my bike. We played after school quite often and became good friends. School days seemed like they went and came fairly quickly. I know we had always walked to school every morning. Breakfast was the usual we got in line and had cereal mostly every day. The teachers took count to see who was absent from school we would sit in lines right behind the other in the gymnasium that would be converted into a cafeteria daily. The tables would fold into the wall and it would be like a normal gym again. My first day in elementary wasn't the greatest. I cried because I felt overwhelmed by the amount of people there and I wasn't accustomed to seeing that many and I definitely wasn't the social type so it was very tough day for me.

When we had lived there in town was where I bet my pixie bob Alvar. He was very protective of me and followed me home everyday after school. This older couple was the owners of Alvar. He was the most loving and protective cat I have ever met in my life. He was like a dog and walked me home everyday. I remember the day that his owners gave us Alvar. It was a very bittersweet day. I remember them saying that they aren't getting any younger and they felt they weren't going to be around for very long to continue caring for Alvar and that was their reason behind gifting us Alvar. I felt sad but Alvar didn't seemed moved by it. It was also because instead of going home to them he always ended up coming home to us. And they felt sad that Alvar never came home and they always wondered why he was gone often for so long.

My babysitter was my father’s aunt. She is the sister of my grandma. Her son didn’t like me very much. I was blamed for stealing a wedding ring that belonged to his sister and it was in her room the entire room. So they held it against me for the longest time because my older sister had pointed the blame on me. Her son became physically abusive towards me. He would constantly pull my hair and kick me down very often. It got to the point where I would suddenly lose my ability to speak. I would become paralyzed and I wouldn’t be able to move. I could see and hear everything that was going on but I couldn’t move or speak. I didn’t understand why it would happen to me. It was very terrifying because my father’s aunt she would begin to beat me until it went away. Sometimes it would happen at home and my father would freak out. I didn’t know how else to explain it. I told him what happens to me when he first experienced it and he just brushed it off as nothing. But sometimes I would come home with bruises and my mother couldn’t understand where I was getting them. It wasn’t until I was able to tell her what was going on and my parents finally believed me. It was hard being so young going to elementary school and being able to stand up for myself and tell them that I was getting hurt.

So we ended up moving to a trailer park out of town. The trailer home we had lived in from Elkhart got moved to this trailer park so all we had to do was rent and pay the lot we were living on. It was here that I began to realize how cruel the world was. That I was no longer going to be a child. That even adults can act like children and get away with it. It was here that I was assaulted on many occasions and even my relatives bullied me. And that no matter how old you are or how old anyone else is that they will look at you differently and to me this was also the first time I experienced being sexually harassed on many occasions by men old enough to be my grandpa. It was very disturbing. I tried to stay in large groups with the kids that would get together to play after school and with my relatives as much as they bullied me; I thought I would be safer if I stayed around them. As much to their dismay and knowing that some of them didn't like me I would be smart to stick around with them. That was when I met my first cousin and we begin our never-ending friendship. She always was the biggest bully growing up and did some things that would be considered hazing to many. My parents never approved of me staying the night at my cousin's house. Very seldom did my father approve of me staying there possibly because my cousin and me stayed up very late at night and kept my Uncle awake and he wasn't very happy about it. As this trailer park was when I first experienced a tornado happening. There was an Uncle from my father's side of the family. He was my cousin's uncle but for the sake of his age and out of respect we always called him our Uncle when we saw him. He protected us from a tornado. It turned into a waterspout and it formed right behind the house. There was this giant puddle of water it crossed into because my Uncle forgot to turn the water faucet off and it turned into a waterspout but it didn't last for very long cause I remember it going away very fast. My first cousin, her Uncle's children were her cousins. One afternoon I was making mud donuts with them. I remember the neighborhood kids came around me once. It turned into a mosh pit. They destroyed my mud donuts and then they all decided to kick me around.

 I didn't get along with the youngest cousin. She didn't like me. She got into fights with me often. I remember I accidentally kicked her in the face on the school bus because I couldn't sit still and we were playing around until I kicked her in the face and she became very angry. It was a routine to come over everyday after school to their house. My younger sister got along with her the most. And this time something was different. The entire family all stood outside in front of their house waiting for me. And when I finally came over they held me down while she kicked me very hard. I left their house crying and telling my mother. My mother wasn't very emotionally supportive. She had said I deserved it and that I had no business going over to their house anyway.

Sometimes my cousin stopped bullying me and geared that attention towards my younger sister. She was oblivious to it for the longest time because she was too young to understand the pranks we did and sometimes we took it too far. But it was all fun and games to everyone else. I was the passive bystander because I myself didn't know what to do and even if I tried to stop them I would probably be held down again and beat up for trying to stop them. In their defense I was constantly told it was to help me grow thick skin because I was too sensitive. But that wasn't what gave me thick skin. There were far worse things done to me behind closed doors. Attending school and being bullied by everyone else was just a day off for me. It was a way to avoid it all so I constantly tried to be over visiting someone for a very good reason. I went through many babysitters living here. The next one was just as bad as my father’s aunt.  The babysitter’s son is younger than me, decided to punch me in the face. He knocked me out and I laid there for hours because as soon as I woke up his sister was towering over me and asking me if I was ok even though she said I deserved it. She had told her brother to do it because she didn’t like me. After that happened the next two babysitters were friendlier.

   Once we moved away from the trailer park, my dad bought a 2.5-acre lot farther out of town. He could have all the farm animals he always wanted and be away from everyone and have the silence on the weekends and the space to invite family over for cookouts. I thought the place was beautiful. I really loved and enjoyed nature for what it is. I don't know how I came to love it but I have over my childhood years. I love animals. As I grew older I had learned to respect them more and love them as they are. I especially loved anything that was a baby. Ever since I met my cat Alvar when we lived on Hickok Street that's when I knew I loved cats. I'm not saying I don't like dogs I just prefer cats more. It was ever since I lost my puppy Brownie twice I never had the heart to replace him with another dog just like him. That's why I always end up getting a cat instead. Brownie has a special deep place in my heart. I found out the real reason why he died the first time. He was fed rat poison and it was too late to save him. And the very person that poisoned him took him to the vet to attempt saving him. My heart was deeply broken by this loss. His mother had another litter of Chihuahuas and she had a puppy, a girl that looks just like Brownie. I had a feeling she died the same way. I couldn't bear to have any more dogs because Brownie was irreplaceable to me. Alvar knows how much I love him and miss him. He left one night and never returned. I found out that cats leave their home knowing they are going to die soon and they don’t want their owners to see them in this way. All I could hope for that he went peacefully as possible. I had many pets that many people would consider out of the norm. I had a pet pigeon named Max. I also had a pet goat, pet mice, pet rabbits. I didn't have any friends. We would go straight to school and then come back home to do chores like cleaning and feeding the animals. I didn't have much of a social life. We weren't allowed to have any extracurricular activities at school unless it was the after school program cause it gave my mother extra time and to be able to get home from work so she was home first. Some of those days were depressing. I ended up walking home a few times because I would miss the bus. It was only 3 miles. I guess it was looked down upon for someone as young as me to be walking home. I thought my dad was the only monster to be afraid of. The world was much more crueler than I could ever know. That there is many monsters like him everywhere ready to snatch up kids when they felt like it. I was too young to understand the already familiar dangers that I reckoned with on a daily basis. 

So my father was able to grow a garden also and to just have a place to call his own. It was his sweat; blood and tears he put into it that made him love it that much more. He welded the barbwire to the fence and had me paint the metal poles for hours during the weekends. My own work was put into that place. But I never felt tied to it. This place I felt also has a dark history one that meshed in with my life. The dark memories that I never liked to speak of too often. This is also the place where I came to know of the paranormal even more and it's sinister secrets. It was here that I began to have my premonitions. I couldn't go to school and just tell everyone. I knew that if I did everyone would tell me I was crazy. It wasn't until someone decided to dabble in the occult with a witchcraft book and buried a Ouija board on the property. I had also found red bricks with names on it. I don't know if there was anyone buried on the property. The way those bricks were laid out onto the ground made me think we had a cemetery in our backyard. Many blessings and prayers came after all of this but nothing will make the dark evil spirit go away that has haunted me for many years growing up. My psychic friend even confused it for a demon but it is truly just a dark spirit. I will never really know why it's there but I felt like it was something far more sinister. The tuxedo man woke me up at 0000 hours every night and he would follow me into the kitchen or slowly creak the floor and stop in front of my door and slowly open it and tug on my covers. He played tricks on my eyes and took the forms of my fears. I tried telling my mother and younger sister during my middle school years. They never believed me. My mother believes me now. The six goats they had suddenly died after a prayer night at the house. I don't recall him being strong enough to be able to do something like that. He would only open my door late at night and get inside my head or give me nightmares and show himself as different shaped apparitions. I never felt he was capable of such a dark thing. And he's definitely a human spirit because I bought a book about demonology. If he were a real demon he definitely would've killed me by now. I use to catch him flying as a black orb on my camera making it bleed as if there were a million pictures taken within a couple of video frames. It was quite an oddity. And the one Polaroid photo my mother took when she tried to sell the house there was a yellow orb right on top of the front door clear as day in the blue sky you can see it hovering over the house. The poltergeist activity grew once it was getting to me. It was definitely stressing me out and thought telekinetic energy was behind it. But all of this happened when my psychic friend came over as he became angered by her presence and brought along his friends and invited them over. There was a portal open at the house because the Ouija board was played and buried there. You could see their little faces looked like something straight off a pumpkin carving. They were yellow and the best way I can describe it is someone shining those old bulb flashlights into the ceiling and the eyes and mouth were just black. During that time I started having very strange alien abduction dreams. A crop circle was suddenly in the cornfield in front of the house. It had the vine flowers growing in the circle and nowhere else on the field. I went to go check it out and it just felt absolutely eerie. When the cornstalk gets really tall it feels like something straight out of the movie Signs. I know my mother had recorded a UFO on her 8mm Sony camera when there was a thunderstorm coming in and I thought I was catching a tornado forming on camera. These were all the strange happenings at the house that were going on. The same trailer from Elkhart, Kansas built brand new in 1965 ended up out of the country full of all this paranormal activity going on inside. It was a never-ending storm for me. My friend had told me the tuxedo man liked me very much and he would follow me. What caught my attention the most was when she said I liked his attention at me and that he became one with me that when she would look in the rear view mirror of the car we were in and she would peer back at me in the backseat that she could see the tuxedo man was half of me. I wanted nothing to do with him and I was taken aback by everything that she said because I had invited her over seeking her help in the hopes of getting rid of him. My premonition dream started out as a series of visions in chronological order. The very last being completely black. I thought I died in the last vision I didn’t understand why it was black. As time went by all my visions came true. I was able to see my father’s funeral in the future, various happenings at school, different places I would end up at. These series of visions were the first of two. The second series of visions I had them here at Fort Riley where I’m currently stationed. I seen myself where I would be doing in the future like schools and things I would be doing. All of them have come true so far that I can remember. I couldn’t prevent them because it was like very short bits of the event that would be occurring. I wouldn’t get enough information to know what it really was until it actually happened and when it finally happened I remembered the vision that matched to it. It’s the best way I could explain it. I wasn’t aware I had intuitive abilities until I started having the first series of visions and I was able to see paranormal events and notice them more so then others. I was “sensitive” without knowing it at first.

Middle school was when the boys begin to notice me in a different way. I tried to keep my crushes to myself the popular girls were just awful. If they found out whom you liked they would date that person to spite you. I was picked on quite often for the way I looked, the way I dressed or because a boy liked me and picked on me instead for it. I never understood why sometimes. I know I did nothing to initiate it. I was just a favorite target. There was favoritism because I would come to school wearing a skirt right above my knees. It was too short but when someone else wore a skirt the same length they were allowed to wear it. I wasn't liked at school even by some of the adult teachers. They didn't understand the daily struggles I dealt with.

When I heard the song "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden I don't know why it made me feel sick to my stomach. It made me curl up in a ball. I would tell my therapist during my appointment and she thought it was weird that a song could have such an impact on me emotionally. I also couldn't understand why pianos made me feel sad every time I hear them being played.

Middle school came by and went. During lunchtime I was held down by the popular girls and they let a girl with a cold sore on her lip give it to me. Ever since then that's when I recall having cold sores was because of what happened. I had no control over it and no one did anything to stop them. Middle school wasn't as hard as high school. The bullying would get worse because of whom I dated and my cousin was no longer there to protect me. I tried to be in band since I couldn't be in sports and my mother refused to let me have the flute my older sister had given to us by our grandma. Both my parents sat me down one night and told me that they wanted me to graduate high school and attend college. They didn't want me living a hard life like they did living paycheck-to-paycheck and moving around cause of the jobs my father had as railroad construction. He said its not living life the right way that they didn't work all this way to earn their citizenship and learn to speak and write English and for nothing to come out of it. I'm now in the Army and I can only hope since my father has passed away that he is proud of me. 

In 8th grade my father decided to move to Woodward, Oklahoma. I hated that place even more. The teachers and everyone at school hated Mexicans. We lived out of town renting a house by Boiling Springs Park. Woodward was a very sad place to me. Once I tried talking to my friend Sheyla and she would tell me it was a long time ago and she wishes not to relive those times. I only remembered her as being one of the few positive people that made life worth living there. I still keep her picture and my other friend Daniela. Daniela didn't know any English and only Spanish. I had to be her translator since the teachers knew I spoke Spanish they wanted me to interpret everything. The problem was she never wanted to do any work or learn anything she just always wanted to copy off my paper instead. I would get into trouble cause the math teacher Mr. Elder noticed our papers were exactly the same. She refused to learn Algebra and never understood it. She had always told me she was just there to pass the time, finish 8th grade and leave. Mr. Elder would get onto me the most quite often. The first day of school there, I was in his class mid way through the school year. He scolded me for rigorously cleaning my nails it was a habit from anxiety. I do it quite often without realizing it. He yelled at me and said, "This isn't beautician class." In English class was when I noticed Brandon. He was the popular guy in school and was very friendly because he came up to me and introduced himself. I was surprised cause no one ever does that to anyone these days. Mrs. Cook, the English teacher kept over blinking her eyes it was painful to look at cause it bothered me so much. Sarah was quiet and always kept to herself. You would always find her reading a book. My other friend was Kamryn. I went over to her house a couple of times since my father didn't want anyone coming over. We had to work on a holocaust project and I was in charge of doing a book and making it look charred on the edges. My mother took the liberty of helping and ruined it by decorating it with rainbows and hearts and had nothing to do with the project at all. The teacher took away points cause she was also making fun of it. My friend Kamryn was completely upset by it. I was so tired I didn't think to tell no to my mother the night before she was trying to help me. And it ended up coming out very badly. We had a holocaust survivor come to the school and he shared his experience about it.

My time here was short lived. My father passed away on July 4th, 2005. It was 1000 hours and he was watching the discovery channel. My mother came in upset that he didn't fix the Ford explorer cause she hit a deer with it back in Kansas when she would work for the meat processing plant and pheasants and deer would always become road kill. He yelled back at her and then turned his frustration towards me yelling at me to help my mother clean the kitchen. I had said a cuss word back at him and then it became suddenly silent. I was staring at the TV and I was turning over to my left. I seen his hand gripping his chest and he started to make like a choking sound. His chest was going up and down violently. My mother came in screaming and my younger sister was crying. I looked into his eyes and that's when he stopped and you could tell he was beginning to fade away. My mother was in shock and kept saying she didn't know what to do. I told her grab the phone and call 911. She forgot the address and I told her so she could tell them. They came and took him at 1036 hours. My mother came back and I wasn't sure what time it was then. She was crying hysterically and repeating it over and over again that he was dead. She said he was crying right before he died. They managed to get his pulse back but he was worried about my youngest sister Gloria and then they lost his pulse again. It was not the quite morning I was expecting. I love Independence Day cause my father always bought the big $300 packs of firework assortments and we weren't allowed to set any off within the city. Back in Kansas we had the freedom to do what we wanted. The lot was big enough and we always had the space for it. And now Independence Day was never the same. I will always miss how they use to be. Kamryn always wondered why I left. We would come back to visit my Aunts and my cousins that live there. She bumped into me at Wal-Mart right before we moved back to Ulysses. I told her why and my mother ushered me on cause she wanted to leave. That was the last time I remember seeing her. 

We moved back to Ulysses. We had nowhere else to go and we had to make several trips to move everything ourselves. My mother was on her own with three kids to take care of. I can only imagine what she had to endure. She hated working and this was probably the worst time of her life. They were married together for 25 years. She never had to endure the abuse again and I never had to worry about him coming into my room anymore. It felt weird that he wasn't going to be coming home anymore. As much as he did all those horrible things to me I still love him because he was my father. I only try and think of the positive memories I had with him. He always took his time to play with me. I was his favorite for the longest time until my youngest sister was born. My father and mother were separated during her pregnancy. He would leave for months and come back. Gloria became his favorite and my oldest sister and my mother relished in the thought that he was no longer going to protect me. He would stop my mom from punishing me sometimes. 

   We had to come back to the trailer I hated living in. I was afraid the tuxedo man was going to begin tormenting me again. I had started to record the activity that was going on. I lost the tapes I recorded the activity with. My mother found out I borrowed the camera and she recorded over everything. All my evidence was gone. I still couldn't find out the whereabouts of the lost Ouija board. The person who played with it refuses to tell me where it is buried. I was always curious to find it. I wanted to close the portal there at the house so the paranormal activity would cease altogether and I could live there peacefully. I was mentally attacked all the time. Since his shadows no longer terrified me as much since I grew older, he was changed his tactics and would try and break me down with my weaknesses. I wasn't mentally strong as a teenager and he used that to his advantage. Some of it became my own undoing. I didn't have very strong self-esteem and the confidence in myself. I was in one of my many low points in my life. I had to grow stronger to keep him off me. He turned to psychic attacks and giving me nightmares. I still can't interpret most of my dreams. They are very unusual and hard to explain and there's always recurring dreams. My dreams are very lucid and surreal and I remember them even after I wake up. I'm looking into speaking with my advisor and getting a better explanation and understand everything in depth. It's all a mixture of things together. And trying to separate the reality of things from the unexplained phenomena just isn't an easy task in itself. I couldn't find logical explanations for what was going on.

When I had shown the black orb I caught on tape it sent chills to my mother's sister in law. She reads tarot cards and somewhat refuses to enter my mother’s house for several reasons. Each time her family comes over to visit something happens. I try and cherish the time I have left with my mother. She has surpassed the age my grandma was when she died. My grandmother, she lost her battle to cancer bless her dear heart. She is truly missed and I would always cry every time she left our house from visiting cause I never got to see her and she was a very devout Catholic and her presence always lingered in the house. I always think of the toy-flipping dog she gave me for Christmas one time and I couldn't stop obsessing over it for the longest time. We always went to McDonald's. It was tradition to always go to McDonalds every time she came over cause she knew how much I loved chicken nuggets. When we would go to McDonald's it wasn't just about it not being the best food. It has sentimental meaning for me and no one ever understands that. That's just something I always remember anytime I go.

 I started high school after my fathers passed away. People at school were somewhat surprised. My best friend Claudia always wrote to me when I was in Oklahoma. My feelings about our friendship never changed even when things soured during high school. The letters were very sweet and I had kept every single one of them until left the house after I graduated. My mother and I weren't getting along. Her new boyfriend was running the mill and I really dislike him because he is a drunk and abusive and doesn't take no for an answer. My mother did away with the letters I had she only gave me some of my stuff in trash bags on the porch. I could no longer put up with his behavior and how she puts him on a high pedestal and I just would not put up with it. I'm not a hypocrite. I'll lie sometimes. I do lie and try not to but it falls into the white lies category. I was definitely an outcast. My art projects would get smashed up and I would get stuffed into the closet. I would sit by myself mostly during breakfast and lunchtime. My first cousin was there towards the end of my freshman year and she left and I no longer had her to fall back on. She would keep me company everywhere and did everything together. And her leaving couldn't have been at the worst possible time. She had introduced to me to my now ex whom I was with for 5 years. One year we broke it off and I dated someone else and it became the controversy of the century there. It was during my senior year of prom that I was seeing this new guy and he had been taking a girl to prom every year before dating me. It was my regret that things went the way they went. If everyone else felt happier that I wasn't with him then he shouldn't have ever dated me. I don't know if he regrets it. I haven't talked to him in years. My first ex boyfriend is very obsessed with me. I wouldn't say it was love that we had it was his pure infatuation with me and I felt like he manipulated me to get what he wanted cause he knew I didn't know much about relationships. It was awful. His parents were nice enough to take me in when I left my mothers house.

It was difficult for me to enjoy any school trips or get into the organizations in high school cause I didn't have any friends and the friends that were my friends it came to a point where no one wanted to hang out with me. I went to the FCCLA trip to Dallas and I'd call that one a disaster. I think the only thing I enjoyed in high school was being on the tennis team. I got to go out and the girls were at least semi friendly with me. Some of the teachers were nice to. The bullying became pretty intense cause of the second boyfriend I had and the ex girlfriend found out about it and she was trying to make my life miserable. It was all petty teenager angst going on it was just the immaturity I couldn't stand. Life at home was depressing. My mother was very depressed my freshman year she was seeing her boyfriend towards the end of it. But I always came home and she was lying in bed asleep or crying. She loved my father very much. Even though he wasn't the greatest. I only wish she got the help she needed. And it was hard cause my youngest sister was only 3 years old when we lost our father and I don't think she had a clue what was going on. She is so precious. I remember her watching Shrek, Finding Nemo, and Spirit on repeat. She loved those movies the most. Maybe watching Nemo she understood and missed our father too. My younger sister before me was better at taking care of Gloria more than I was. The maternal instinct just wouldn't kick in. She absolutely annoyed me most of the time. I was a teenager and just needed my privacy and to be able to hear my own thoughts and process what was going on. I had enough on my plate as it was at the time. I had to deal with everything on my own. I coped emotionally by grieving quietly in my room when nobody was around. I would just put a lid on my emotions when I stepped outside of my bedroom so no one could see how weak and vulnerable of a person I became when I started to cry. I felt like I had no one to go to. I had once gone to the counselor at school because the bullying became too intense and I requested to move certain classes around so I wouldn’t be around the people that made school impossible during the day. I tried to hide the fact that I was crying. The females noticed when I snuck into the bathroom to hide in the stall for a bit. They would pretend to take a break and would go into the bathroom to find me. The counselor only knew a part of what was going on at home. She was nice enough to give me some clothes and when my mother found out I told her some of the problems at home she became very upset and told me not to talk to her anymore. I didn’t want to continue making it worse for my mother considering her mental state wasn’t at its best. I wasn’t sure what else I could do to make things better. I didn’t want to tell the new guy I was dating either. It was only a few months and I was definitely too embarrassed to tell him anything. I did end up telling him much later. It was very awkward. He finally understood why my first ex boyfriend broke us up the first time. The problem with my first ex boyfriend is that he knows too much about my life. He stalks me on Facebook and I continuously keep his main profile blocked and any fake ones he makes also.

I left Ulysses when my younger sister graduated high school. It was my chance to leave my ex and everything else behind. I got tired of visiting my father’s grave. I felt like I could talk to him any time and anywhere I wanted. I always feel he is around me watching me and making sure I’m ok. I remember the first day I moved back to Ulysses from Woodward. I could smell his brut cologne and his Salem cigarettes in my bedroom for a brief moment. And the next morning I saw my father when he was 30 years old wearing clothes from that time, standing outside the window looking towards me leaning on the air conditioning unit. It seemed to me like he was saying that it was the last time I could see what he looked like. He would prefer I remember him in that state then when I did at his wakening. He seemed happier this way.

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