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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Simple Lesson for Guys Posting Personals

First off, let me just say, I’ve been reading through the M4W ads for several weeks now because I find them wildly amusing. Many of my female friends do this as well, and we get a big kick out of some of the things you goobers post! 

Here’s the problem: I don’t think most of you are *intentionally* trying to be funny – and that’s just sad. 

So, rather than sitting back in the privacy of my home, mocking you and passing judgment, I figure it’s time I put my money where my mouth is and dispense a little “tough love.” Take my advice, or don’t, it doesn’t matter to me either way. In fact, I almost hope you don’t, just because I’d hate for my hilarious leisure reading to evaporate! 

Okay, so let’s do this in numbered format, keeping the readability high and the requirement for complex understanding low: 

1) Get a woman to proof-read your post. Better yet, get a few! I can’t for a moment believe that ANY woman would let most of these posts get through unedited. Even if you don’t have any women friends, ask your mother or sister, or even the nice folks in the Women’s Forum right here on CL. This ALONE would drastically change the appearance of the M4W board. 

2) Include a picture – no exceptions. Look, if you’re not comfortable putting up your picture, it can only be for one of two reasons: Maybe you’re ashamed of the way you look, in which case you’ve got to accept that these women are eventually going to have to see you! Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s this, or I suspect you like your anonymity. I can understand and respect that, but then you probably shouldn’t be posting a personals ad, should you? Either way, don’t be ashamed! Just put it out there and see what happens. If some woman passes you up because she doesn’t like the way you look, then you weren’t going to have a relationship with that person anyway! And if your friends or co-workers see your post and laugh at you, well then the joke is on them, because they were LOOKING! 

3) Don’t say you’re looking to meet someone “attractive” or refer to yourself as such. OF COURSE you want to meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s a given. Have you ever seen someone post that they’re looking for someone ugly? As for calling yourself attractive, let the people who get a look at you decide. No matter what you look like some people will find you attractive and some won’t. If you think you’re attractive, great! But there’s really no need to state it like it’s a fact, since it’s not. 

4) Learn to use euphemisms. Okay, so you don’t like girls who have a freaking ounce of fat on their bodies, whatever, you’re entitled to your taste. But there are *decent* ways to say this! For example, you might say something like, “I am looking to meet a woman who is active and enjoys the outdoors.” Or you could even go so far as to say that you love working out and you’d like to meet a woman who does too. Things like this imply that you’re looking for someone in good physical shape, without making you sound like a superficial asshole. 

5) So you like some freaky, kinky, weird shit in the bedroom. You like to play “daddy” and have your woman tie you up with dental floss. Hey! That’s great! I’m proud of you for being so in touch with your inner freak and I wish more people were too! But look, seriously, you’ve got to SAVE THAT FOR LATER! I mean, wait until the poor girls get a chance to see what a sweet and normal guy you are before you drop the ball-gag bomb on them, okay? People will be surprisingly open to things like letting you model in their thong underwear, or whatever you’re into, once they feel *comfortable* around you. Give it time. If you insist on bringing this to the forefront immediately, because it’s just that freaking important to you, try the “Casual Encounters” board. 

6) You like chicks with big boobs. When I read crap like that in posts it annoys the hell out of me. It’s just so damn frustrating, even more so than the guys who insist on only looking for rail-thin emaciated girls or Asian women (What’s up with that, by the way? Don’t be so damn prejudiced, you’re really missing out in terms of diversity!). Look, you like big knockers, you and 99.9999% of all heterosexual men, okay??? Trust me, women know this! But if you kick a girl aside because her mammary glands aren’t fat enough, then you’re just an asshole, plain and simple. I mean, let’s not kid each other, do you have a ten-inch dick? No, you don’t, but women still put up with your ass anyway! This segues beautifully into the next topic: 

7) Do not, I repeat: DO NOT tell these women how you’re going to make them cum. It’s idiotic, at best, and it comes across as entirely crude and offensive! Seriously folks, save that shit for L-A-T-E-R! You know, aside from the fact that talking about how much you love giving head or your methods for making a woman have 72 orgasms in a single evening is sleazy, talk is cheap! Sure, women like orgasms, why wouldn’t they? And if you’re a clumsy idiot in the bedroom, it’s a very patient woman indeed who’s going to take the time to teach you. But look, if it ever even gets to that point, THEN you show this lovely new lady friend what a sex-machine-man-stud you are, okay? They don’t want to read about it, trust me! And if you’re just trying to be funny, you’d be much better off quoting Groucho Marx than going there. No joke. 

8) Do not, ever, under any circumstances, quote Groucho Marx. 

9) Try to tell a little something about yourself without bragging! (You, yea you! Guy who constantly posts a picture of himself leaning against a stupid Ferrari and wearing loafers with no socks – that counts as bragging, buddy!) Just be honest. Do you like the outdoors? Do you have any interesting hobbies that you could share with another person? Maybe you watch a lot of television, and you want someone you can discuss your favorite shows with… Most importantly, just be open and honest! Women dig that shit… Weird, huh? 

10) If you are any of the following: 
- Currently/chronically unemployed (unless you are independently wealthy). 
- Living with your mother past college age. 
- Illiterate. 
- An alcoholic or hardcore drug addict. 
- An avid Yanni fan. 
- A fat disgusting slob who eats fast food for every meal, and your ass is fused to the chair in front of the computer. 
Then you have no business posting a personals ad! Really, I understand that everyone wants to experience the glorious warm fuzzy gooey feelings of love, but get your shit together first! Do NOT sucker some poor girl with a save-a-jackass complex into your twisted web of idiocy – it’s just plain mean. 

Okay, so this covers everything I can think of off the top of my head. Anything I’ve forgotten should be filtered out by simply following rule number one. 

One final note to remember: You should not ask for anything in another person that you do not offer yourself. If you want a woman who is in excellent shape physically, then you’d better be hitting the gym regularly too! This applies to nearly every quality you seek in another person. There’s nothing more annoying than a hypocrite, so don’t be one. 

Guys, if you’re decent, then there really *is* a nice lady out there just for you, I promise. She’ll even put up with all of your lame and irritable traits because overall she’ll think you’re sweet and cute. You’d be amazed at how many beautiful, charming and brilliant women are single, and nearly all of them complain about how hard it is to find decent available men… It’s appalling, too, because many of them don’t even really ask for that much. Hell, even I’ve found love, a few times, and so can you! 

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